Lorna and Stacia on Revising for Conciseness - English 111

Lorna to Classmates

I have chosen two sentences of which I will edit to make my sentences more to the point and less rambling.

ORIGINAL: "Initially I was not prepared for the demands but quickly learned that I had to adjust"

This is an example of the overuse of "I" and how the reference of self affects the flow of the sentence.

REVISED: "Not being prepared I quickly learned how to adjust to the demands of being a Navy spouse."

Sincerely,
Lorna

Stacia to Lorna

Dear Lorna, guess who? ~smile~

I am pleased to accept the request for assistance with the writing process. After reading Chapter 8 and learning more about conciseness I found the information provided in the text to be important for me. Why? I can spend a whole paragraph rewriting the initial sentence in 4 or 5 different ways. That style tends to lean towards redundancy.

I agree with your comment about overusing "I". When you overuse "I" it's like overusing them / we and tends to sound very bland. When you restructure your sentences like you did in your revision you made each thought more clear for the audience. Bravo! You can also restructure each sentence so that you do not need to use "I" in the sentence. For example:

"Initially I was not prepared for the demands but quickly learned that I had to adjust" could be reworded as "At first the demands caught me of guard, then came the adjustment stage" ....

Stacia

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